asian food: Mothers, eh, who needs 'em The gifts. The flowers. The doing nothing. Some of them are really pushing it. May 18, 2006 OK, I'VE HAD IT with mothers, I really have. I don't think they're as mothering as they used to be. They talk back a lot and don't always follow through on their promises. Also, they're completely milking this whole Mother's Day thing. Take our recent experience. 6:43 a.m. The toddler jumps on his sleeping mother's back and spins around. He looks like a man stealing a horse. "Happy Mother's Day!" he screams. "Yee-ha!" 6:44 "Please get him off my back," his mother moans. 6:55 I get up with the toddler so his mother can sleep. "Happy Mother's Day," he tells me. "Yee-ha." 7:10 The toddler and I arrive at his favorite restaurant. The tables still smell of disinfectant. The menu is routine. But in the back, they have a giant vat of germy plastic balls you can crawl around in. "That's the first thing I look for in a great restaurant," I tell the toddler. He smiles like I'm kidding. 7:16 I place our order. "Happy Mother's Day," the toddler tells the counter man. 7:17 While waiting for our order, I notice that McDonald's now serves Asian food. "Apparently, they've finally mastered every nuance of American cuisine," I tell the toddler. "It's time for the chef to try something new." He smiles like I'm kidding. 7:21 I finish the rest of his breakfast. The eggs taste like well-buttered attic insulation, with a hint of nutmeg. Wow. 7:32 While leaving, the toddler spots a giant cutout of Ronald McDonald. "Daddy?" he asks, pointing at Ronald. "No," I say. "Not Daddy." 7:40 While driving away, I ponder the physical similarities between Ronald and myself. — We're both uncommonly handsome middle-aged men. — Our hair is often combed into wild, fiery angles. — We both have big, honkin' clown feet. 7:55 "Honestly, I don't know where you get Ronald McDonald," I tell the toddler. "I'm a serious man leading a serious life." "OK, Daddy," he says. 8:05 At the drugstore, we look for a card. We find the Mother's Day cards next to the "Sympathy" section. "See the theme?" I ask the toddler. 8:30 Back home, the lovely and patient older daughter is making scones. From scratch. 9:22 There is so much flour in the air, the AQMD issues a health alert. 9:25 Their mother awakens. "Happy Mother's Day," the toddler says again. He hugs her. He kisses her chin 100 times. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss …